sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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