o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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