you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
