Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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