I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
