I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
