You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Someone shattered a urinal.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
