i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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