She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
