I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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