Acid is not a monday night drug
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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