apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
