i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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