and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish you could order shots online.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
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Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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