He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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