I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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