didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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