is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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