R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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