piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
