Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
