the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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