He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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