I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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