Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
