I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
