At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
