I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
