just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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