fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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