I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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