apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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