I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
