Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
