1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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