I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
