Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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