Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
