The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
