I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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