So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
