Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
