If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
