Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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