Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
