The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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