I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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