Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
