remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
