I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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