Michael Bay diarrhea
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
you made out with another girl for some wings
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