Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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