You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
