I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
